Defense Mechanisms

I received an angry message from a friend
Chastising me for my recent lack of investment in quality time
And effort in maintaining a comfortable level of companionship
She explained that she was hurt
That my nonchalance made her upset
I left the message without reply
Just as the previous messages from the days before
I just do not have the energy to expand
To stretch myself to fit into her time and needs
When I can barely muster the concern for myself
Or pay attention to my own calls for care
To add to the dilemma, I could not understand a number of things:
Why she was upset
Why was I not
Was it a moment’s manifestation of her accusations
An absence of value on my part?
I remember times that I have reached out and was left to hold my own hand
To lick my own wounds
To mend my own brokenness
Concluded that it was not the fault of another
That maybe I was just not good enough
Not enough
Counted these hurts as lessons learned
And decided to never play that hand again
I never counted our friendship a gain
So that if ever it dissolved from my exasperated grasp
I would never suffer the hurt of having to call it a loss


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