Channeling Sam Cooke

What I mean by that title is that it’s been a long time….It really has. How long has it been since I’ve posted anything about…well, anything? Ah well. As previously stated my previous employment has been officially terminated. I did not think that would be as much as game changer as it was, but I have absolutely no regrets in deciding to quit.  In the last few weeks of work I was waking up at odd times such as 3:00 AM or 5:00 AM just to worry about something that I may or may not have done the previous day.  Then I would think to myself that the only way to solve the issue would be to just up and die. On top of that the store owner tried to get me to stay two weeks longer to assist in training, but I could not even fathom the thought of enduring another day. I ended up sticking around for an additional week and helping to train the three new young ladies but I was glad to wake up that fateful Tuesday morning when it was all over. I could have broken out in a negro spiritual. Of course they ended up calling me about 10 times a day with questions about the computer system and sales orders but it was much better than actually having to be there.  Now I will admit that I totally lied when I said that I was going to start praying out my future…I spent the first two weeks of freedom fishing and watching Supernatural, Holocaust documentaries, and whatever else I could find on the History channel. It was one of those “I’ll start thinking about the future tomorrow” things. It was pure bliss.

But as the old saying goes, “ignorance is bliss.” Reality set in quite quickly when the phone bill came up, then the student loan repayment, then I accidentally backed into a brick wall (LITERALLY), and now I’m looking at my money like shit is about to get as real as shit could possibly get. Am I broke? No. Thanks to the wisdom I received from my church buddy Mr. Morris, I had been taking $200 out of my account every paycheck. This money was emergency money for my car that turned into “Fuck you” money when I said “fuck this job!” Now it’s “fuck this brick wall” money. Sigh, if only I hadn’t been reversing so quickly. Aside from that I was naturally enjoying the netflix and chill period. Fishing was awesome, riding around with my stepdad through the country was amazing, and being on an antidepressant has never seemed so right.

Ah yes, I finally bit the bullet and called the doctor back and confessed that I was indeed not fine. If you could have witnessed her facial expression when I told her that my family has to bring me food as I was so panicky about going to the store….It was an epic facial expression. The first week of taking the pills was a tough one. For one, I felt pretty guilty and weak. Being on medication was like admitting defeat. I felt like I was fessing up to the fact that I was “crazy and irregular.” I also thought this meant that I was cheating on God because I couldn’t just pray myself out of depression and anxiety.  But let me tell you, if antidepressants are a sin I am a glad sinner (but they aren’t a sin so darn now I have to find a new sin). Secondly, my body was fighting me any which way it could possibly fight. I would wake up three hours after going to sleep on full blown edge. It was like taking a shot of espresso at 3:00 AM every single day for an entire week. My hands would be trembling, and I would have to get out of bed and do something to calm my nerves. I learned to do some deep breathing techniques and listen to some space agey type music to slow my racing heart. Usually by 6:00 AM I was exhausted, but unable to climb back in the bed since I had to get ready for work. It was truly a test of will power. I quit taking them after 5 days, but when I started to think about how I was tired of being scared of going out of the house and how I was sick of my brother sending me subliminal text messages (basically to check if I was okay after I told him about my suicidal thoughts) I decided to just suck it up and bear through the adjustments.  It also helped that I spoke with my coworkers and three of the ladies there were all on antidepressants. It made me feel a lot less alone and guilty. I felt like I did not have to hide as much from the fact that I was not happy. After starting back on the antidepressant, along with switching to taking them in the morning, the bad side effects died off and I just began to wait for the good side effects. After a month of being on them I’ve noticed that I am no where near as down nor do I feel as nervous about going out.  I still have to break my habits of locking myself in my room, but I’ve moved up to the level of riding with family members to the store or going out to eat without feeling like my heart is trying to climb out of my chest. I made the mistake of thinking that antidepressants kick in the same day as you start taking them. Very untrue. Two weeks minimum of waiting time until you start to notice small changes. A month until you start noticing even greater change. But I still hate driving. I think I may just naturally hate driving though. People in Jackson just really can’t drive (coming from the person who backed into a brick wall…..).

This weekend my friends Bianca, Bri, and I went to get tattoos. I’ve been wanting a tattoo for a while now and have been constantly going back and forth on what I was wanting to get. I had been through a couple of stupid ideas such as a stick man (yes, I’m serious), a bar code thingy (God help me), etc.  But I eventually settled on getting a sword. Everyone kept asking me why I wanted to get a sword since it’s just a bit random. I am super big on name meanings and my middle name is Louise.  The meaning of Louise is renowned or famous warrior.  When I think of a warrior I think of someone who always keeps their sword on hand because they are always ready for battle.  This is one reason I decided on the sword. But the main reason I decided to get the sword is the reason that I keep on the low. Since I have been battling with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts BUT I’m still here to me that means I’m a warrior.  When I woke up thinking about easier ways to kill myself or just run away. Even when I cry because I’m not where I want to be in life or because I don’t think I’m good enough. I am still here. I am still alive. I am still fighting. I’m a fighter. It doesn’t even matter if people think I’m weak because I don’t always see the silver lining in things, or they think I’m a loser because I’m not super social. I’m not in a career right now (or a job sadly) and I’m not posting on social network about a grand award I got at a university, but I’m still here. That’s all that matters right now.  I’ll get to where I need to be. I have absolutely no fucking idea of where I need to be or what I want to be, but that’s okay. I was under the impression that because I didn’t know what I wanted it must mean that I wanted nothing. Because I didn’t know who I was that it meant that I’m no one. But that’s not true. Never has been and never will be.  I’m breathing, I’m walking, I’m listening to Al Green. I’m good. I got my sword tattoo (with wings just for kicks. And I didn’t even cry or scream during the process. Thank God) and when I look at it I remember what I am.  When I get little thoughts of how I’m just a waste of walking flesh I look down and say, “I can’t have this as a symbol and yet give up now. I can’t get a tattoo and have a name that shows I’m a warrior, but my moms putting me in a casket because life overwhelmed me” Of course my mother was not a happy camper but she didn’t kill me so that’s a relief. I don’t believe that people who commit suicide are cowards. That’s definitely not what I mean. They fought too. They went to school or work when they felt like staying in bed all day. They put food on the table, they got dressed, went to church, they lived life when life didn’t seem worth it. They chose the way they saw fit. But I feel life that way is not for me. I prefer it no be for anyone. And because I’m fighting for my feeling I’m as strong as…something strong. This is worse than that time I told the insurance lady, “the three letter prefix is Y as in Yazoo, A as in apple, and X as in…..whatever word starts with X….”

That’s just my little update. I hope everyone is doing well out there. I’m taking things one day at a time. Let me know how life’s going. Good thing is that it’s still going.

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