I haven’t done a post in a while which had not been greatly bothering me until my friend started greatly bothering me about my lack of writing. Thus, I’s here. There is so much going on in the world right now that there is much to write about, but in order to keep my calm I’m just going to keep it…tame. The hardest thing about dealing with the recent events (police brutality, black people killed, that heathen chile who received 6 months for rape) is to continue to walk in love with people. Now, I’m not sure if someone has said this before but it is excruciatingly difficult to be a black christian and a female christian these days. We are often given the option of being black OR christian and the like with being female. Well I hate to break it to you out there, wherever and whoever you are, but it’s okay to be both. There is no “or;” just an “and.” But let me revert back to my subject. As I am a Christian I acknowledge that Jesus did not leave us a thousand and two instructions and laws before he transcended. But the most important one he left was that we love one another. And by God was he dropping a two ton task on us when he said that. It is so so so so so so…so so so so hard to walk in love with people who have not only stepped on your toes, but stomped on them. They’re the people who eat your $20 dinner plate and buy you a mcdouble in return. The people who change the channel even after you confirm that you are indeed still watching that. I’m not going to act like this is hard for everyone because there are plenty of Christians who will say, “aw Pete, I still love ya!” and mean it while their clothes are smoking from the fire that Pete set to their home. I can only say that I am struggling with walking in love.
I think my last post was about forgiveness and how you aren’t entitled to someone’s forgiveness. Well, that fact is still true. No one has to forgive you for anything. BUT I admit that I was coming from a place of bitterness and resentment when I wrote it. Somewhere in that post I mention that my grandmother, who has always been a bit…..difficult, now has dementia. When the dementia first developed she would lash out at everyone, but I particularly took offense when she lashed out at my mother. I don’t care much for defending myself, but my mother is my heart so I carried that grudge with me up until..hmmmm say….two words ago…But after that my cousin and sister moved in with her so that she would not be alone and she treated them with a savage deal of disrespect. As a result they moved out and of course she doesn’t remember them ever living with her. When someone mentions, “well Granny, you did have some folks living with you before,” then she goes, “well why did they move out?” And you’ve got to tell her, “well you lied about them, locked them out, and mistreated them.” Since she doesn’t remember she’ll respond, “I don’t even remember, but I am sorry.” And to be honest it just burns me up. I’m man/woman enough to admit that it just grates my cheese. Because with all of the hatred and venom she spewed she remembers nothing and can’t even sincerely apologize for it (which isn’t her fault because if she has no knowledge that she did it, then she can’t really apologize). And now that I’m living with her to assist my aunt in her care, every little thing she does irks me to pieces. For one, I’m a very space needy person. I crave space. I’m sure I’ve posted about that before. On the other hand my granny is a companionship needy person. She has to have companionship. So if I go outside to wash my care for some…cleanliness therapy (trust me, washing cars is great for the soul) then she’ll follow behind me. If I move to a certain room to read or watch netflix she’ll follow behind me. She doesn’t really allow anyone to have quiet and solitude. I can be reading a book quite blatantly and she’ll try striking up a conversation. To which I just read the book even more blatantly. We have clashing personalities. All in all I’m having a rough time walking in love with her due to this as well as the past offense.
Kenneth Hagin has a book about love that…I can’t remember the title of, but anywho, I am currently reading it. And it is eating me alive because I know what God has asked of me. I know what he has required of me. And I am struggling to do so. I know it’s not impossible because many people walk in love, forgive, forget, and go forth and prosper. But I am not one of those people right now. I find myself fighting the urge to use sarcasm, to be rude/hurtful, or to simply pack my bags and go. I know its not very honorable to admit that one has a raging little savage on the inside chomping at the bits, but it is honest. I also admit that I an uncomfortable with my lack of love because out of all the selfish and unruly things I have done God still loves me unconditionally. He only asks that I do the same to those around me. I use only in the way that commercials say, “WOW this TV set is ONLY $1000!!!!” There’s not much “only” about love and forgiveness.
Not only does this reflect in my personal relationships, but it relates to current events as well. I have to remember that the raging racists on my facebook timeline…well, I still have to love them. I have to pray for them. I have to forgive their ignorance and hatred even though they don’t feel it’s something that requires forgiveness. Because that’s what God tells me to do. I really want to reach through their computer screens and poke them in the eyes, burn their confederate flags, and throw them into a pile of fire ants. It literally takes every ounce of my being to be calm, and just unfollow them. I try to save my high blood pressure for salty foods and not salty people. Its hard to walk in the God kind of love. The flesh wants to jump in and have some fine print going on. It’s the old “eye for an eye” itching in my soul. But as we are under a new covenant, then there are some new instructions. God says love so we must love. He not only says that but he says that lack of love can hinder our faith and our prayers. So love is VITAL to our growth. I only ask how to walk in the love that I need to walk in? I tell myself to “just do it” but this isn’t Nike. I start just doing it and by hour number 3 I’m just about to throw the skillet through the window. My heart is in the right place as far as desiring to walk in the love walk, but I’m having a difficult time getting my feet to move in that direction.
Anywho, this was a short post as compared to others. I’m just writing to get my voice back as its been a while since I’ve written anything other than my signature. I really am asking for advice from my more mature Christians though. How can I move past offense and into love? Especially when dealing with differing personalities, dementia, and so on. That’s all. I’ll probably be writing something else tomorrow, but y’all know I be lying…