Throwing People

I’m stepping away from my story “series” for this post because I haven’t had time to read these past few days.  I don’t want to backtrack unless I’m adding additional information so I’m just going to do a personal post tonight.  Not that those weren’t personal, but they felt more formal than I plan for this to be.  My sister had her marital ceremony today and it was beautiful. It was hot. I’m pretty sure I got sweaty and musty at some point from being in the sun, but as her ceremony is not about me one sweaty, musty monkey don’t stop no show.  As we are still in Florida for the night she decided to have dinner following the wedding. They didn’t have a reception because some of the family said that they would prefer not to attend a reception (like it was their decision to make).  Now, my sister’s dad and my mom are divorced and have both remarried.  So there is her dad’s side and my mom’s side.  Much of my mom’s side of the family could not attend the wedding due to the cost of the staying in the area and the distance. So my brother really wanted us to pull together to go to the dinner. I, on the other hand, did not want to go.  It’s enough pressure on my usual limitations to attend the wedding. I’m not great at small talk and I do best by myself (for reasons frequently stated in my posts). So I definitely did not want to attend the dinner with her dad’s side of the family because they are very close to one another and I always feel like the odd man out even with just my family.  It’s a crowded restaurant with people I am not close to who are extremely connected. That’s like a buffet for self-criticism and anxiety and I’m already not taking my AD’s so I declined my invitation.  Now, my brother and parents are not one hundred percent familiar with how I am or how I feel because I don’t disclose this information to them.  I’d prefer not to have anyone I am close to or related to know any of my personal feelings on anything.  They may know which football teams I despise (Ole Miss, New Orleans Saints, Auburn….). They know I don’t like people touching my feet. But they don’t know how I feel about life in general.  My brother discussed being open and not being isolated. He wanted me to know that he didn’t want to pressure me into attending the dinner, but I felt really bad because I wanted to tell him that I could much less give a flying duck and a partridge in a pear tree about what he wanted me to do. I’m not really keen on considering my family’s feelings towards me. I love them dearly, but I prefer that we don’t be close.  It’s terrible, I know. But I’m not comfortable with them knowing what makes me glad or sad. I don’t like to tell them when I’m down. I don’t like to tell them when I have something good going for myself.  I sometimes slip up and disclose information and the regret is immediate.  The saying, “can’t trust them far as I can throw them” pertains to how I feel. And I don’t have much upper body strength. I can only throw babies, and I prefer not to throw them because…that’s immoral, inhumane, and probably illegal too…..

It’s difficult for me to say that I don’t care about what my brother wants me to do because I look up to my brother the most out of everyone I know.  I admire his honesty, his drive, his humility, and his humor.  Back when I was knee high to an adult (because who has ever been knee high to a grasshopper….) I was afraid of the dark.  I would fall asleep with my light on and Ma would come later and turn it off once I was out. Oddly enough now I can’t sleep with any light on. The light from the DVR box annoys me to no end. I have to turn the whole box off or it will irk my very soul.  It’s probably a result of the emo phase I went through. I blame My Chemical Romance. (I’m kidding, I never went emo. I just really like the color black and Coheed and Cambria…) I used to ask to sleep with ma if I woke up during the night, which was literally every night.  After I turned seven years old Ma flat out kicked me out.  It was actually storming to high hell the night she kicked me out, too. And I was sleeping on her FLOOR so I wasn’t even in her space. The lady is heartless. I ended up asking my brother to let me sleep in his room, and it was perfectly fine with him because he sleeps heavily anyway. He wouldn’t have even noticed me if I didn’t wake him to ask. After that, I was like his shadow. He liked video games then I got into them.  He like car shows so I got into them. Now I admit that I genuinely like these things, but I didn’t even show interest in them until after he did. So it’s not that I don’t genuinely care about him. I just don’t care that he cares about me, if that makes any sense.

I’m very defensive about myself. I may not think much of myself, but I do what I can to protect myself. Unfortunately, I tend to protect myself in unhealthy ways. I resort to isolation and silence.  If you ask how I’m doing I’m going to say that I’m fine even if I’m not. Why? Because I don’t trust you to know that I’m feeling pretty shitty. In my mind I’m wondering what you plan to do with that information. Then I’m assuming that whatever you plan to do with it is going to be disappointing to me so there’s no need in even revealing anything to you.  It never fails that I never get the response I ever want when I speak about my actual feelings.  People mean well so I don’t fully fault them.  People struggle to respond to what they can’t relate to so I don’t even count on them to be my “savior” or confidante.  I hate to say it, but I don’t have a three strike rule.  I have an one strike rule. You have one time…ONE TIME to disappoint my feelings and after that I feel like I can tell you nothing at all. Needless to say, I tell no one anything.  I don’t speak with my family/friends about how I feel about the recent police shootings. We don’t discuss politics. We don’t talk about mental health. Unless they read what I write on here they won’t know what I think about much. Even then, I’d probably act like I didn’t know what they were talking about if it came up for discussion. It doesn’t matter what my brother says about openness; I prefer to keep it that way.  I don’t want the hugs or the high fives. I just want you to leave me to my destructive devices.  If you don’t think we’re close, that’s great! That spares me from probable disappointment.

This is the reason why I get that funny look when people ask when I plan to get married. That really funny look. I mean it’s not funny but it’s funny. Who would evaaaaaaaa marry me? What kind of next level desperation…. I go through brief moments of wanting people in my space and in my circle. But I don’t know how well I would do with it being constant.  I’d have to work on my personal issues prior to getting in a relationship because that would be unfair to a spouse. I get shifty eyed enough being in shared spaces with my family for prolonged periods of time.  I’m barely hanging on with staying with my granny even though its to help out. I just like to be by myself. I probably wouldn’t be saying that if this were the end of the world and I had no choice but to be alone.  But people are exhausting. Just as with the dinner tonight. By the time we’d left the wedding I was already starting a mental list of things I did wrong. It’s exhausting, but rewarding but exhausting.  And it rarely feels rewarding.

Don’t get me wrong. I still care for people, but just from a distance.  When one of my brothers on my dad’s side of the family went to the pokey I didn’t reach out to him. In my defense, it was hard to reach out to him.  I’m not at all close to his mom so I wasn’t up to date with where he was or how he was doing. Plus, I was living 200 miles away at that time.  But I did consistently watch his brother’s facebook page for updates and checked the newspaper.  Him and I were never chummy so it’s not like either of us were itching to communicate. But once he was released he did contact me which made me seriously uncomfortable. I told ya, I’m more comfortable with emotional distance. God, I’m going to end up with a house full of hedgehogs. I would say cats but cats are the kind of pets who plot to kill you in your sleep so I’ll settle for some good old hedgehogs. I’m the person who wishes the best for you, but will never tell you.  I’m like a ball of “what the fuck.”

So I’m done with my rant. I would say, “don’t judge me” but I realize that my habits are entirely unhealthy and irregular so if you did then there’s not much I could say. I would say that I’m going to post tomorrow night, but I’d probably be lying because we’ll be heading back to Mississippi tomorrow. So uhhhhh, monday…..yea….

 

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