In Which I am Lukewarm

First name Luke; Last name Warm.  Middle Name…me. Actually that really wouldn’t make very much sense.  Scratch that.  When you want something in life and you try to get it only to fail, you probably will make another attempt.  If you fail three times you may just give up.  If you’re persistent, unlike myself, you’ll keep pushing regardless of the past failures.  You could be like Abraham Lincoln and his numerous presidency attempts. Or like Steve Jobs who got fired from his own company.  You could be like those people, but this post is about someone who isn’t like those people. This post is about me. That’s right; everything is about me. ME ME ME ME! Scratch that as well. Very little in this world is about me, but due to this blog being an extension of my conscious thoughts then this post is about…well, me.

I wish that I could say that I am not an one hitter quitter. To some degree I can truthfully say that.  I’m more like a two hitter quitter; I don’t even make it to fully being out before I toss down my bat and trot off the field. But oddly enough I’m the person who commits this same act for a good twelve to twenty times and it annoys me to no end.  I hate to be stuck in the middle of a feeling.  If I fail I want to give up, but I also want to try again and it creates a revenue of internal tension.  I tend to chastise myself for not succeeding, but then I’ll chastise myself for thinking that I was going to succeed in the first place.  I most often wish that I could happily succeed or remain content with failure instead of teetering back and forth.  Some days I’ll have these extreme episodes of mania in which everyone is great, I’m hopeful for the future, and things are looking up.  Other days everyone is trash, the future is trash, and things are looking trashy. It’s predictably tiring being inconsistent. Imagine hopping a fence every few minutes.  At some point you just want to stick to one side instead of constantly climbing, jumping, landing, and repeating.  I relate this analogy with failure/success, but what I really mean is happiness/unhappiness. These four factors intertwine so it’s a pick and choose sorta thing. I either want to be completely content with not being happy or just be happy.  I hate being so up and down because it makes me feel unstable.  Am I pessimistic or optimistic?  Am I hopeful or not?  I’ve learned the best way to describe myself is an optimist with depression because that best explains my ability to see the silver lining in a cloud or the rain in the rainbow.

You’re never going to meet someone who is full of sunshine 100% of the time.  You’re guaranteed to meet someone who sees darkness in everything, though.  Why is this?  Because we all face disappointments. Whether we meet disappointing people or end up with disappointing results. People who never see the good in anything are people who have looked for the good only to have the bad poke their eyes out.  If you get let down too many times you’re not even going to get your hopes up about the next time because disappointment in an inexplicable feeling.  It’s almost worse than anger or fear.  Remember those television shows where the teenage son/daughter sneaks out of the house to go to a rave?  When they end up getting caught their actor/actress parent shakes his/her head in disbelief and with puppy dog eyes says, “I’m just so disappointed in you.”  And that just breaks little Susie’s heart. Frankly, my mother did not believe in disappointment. She believed in the rod. But there are times when I know that I have disappointed her because I can read it in her eyes when she’s lecturing me.  It’s not anger, which I would honestly prefer.  It’s a sadness that goes beyond her ability to just say she’s sad.  She’s disappointed.  Disappointment hurts because it means that we had expectations. You’re already investing your emotions into a situation or a person.  When things go sour it stings a little less when you weren’t hopeful about the outcome, but disappointment means you were really shooting for the best.  I dislike disappointment; who doesn’t?  But when I get disappointed I blame myself because I almost feel like I could have saved myself by not even getting my hopes up in the first place.  As a result, I just don’t even want to get my hopes up. I look at every possible opportunity as likely to fall through because thoughts of what could have been will bury you alive. When I received a call back from a job that I applied for I was elated. It paid more. It was at home which meant that I could travel a bit more as long as I had my laptop.  And it wouldn’t involve the drama that accompanies an office/location setting.  I had already gotten to the drug test part of the prerequisites when I received another call letting me know the position had been rescinded.  To say that I was heartbroken would be an understatement.  I think I sat in the tub until the water got cold and my skin got wrinkly just wondering what went wrong.  I was…..DISAPPOINTED. In that same way I hate days of mania because it feels great to be overly excited and bubbly about today, tomorrow, and Tuesday.  But I know that this feeling will pass, and at some point I will have a day of overwhelming darkness that I can barely crawl out of.

I’m doing this thing now where I’m just ignoring virtually every text message that comes to my phone.  Mostly because for the past couple of years I’ve been telling my family members that I don’t celebrate birthdays and just forget about sending me any birthday messages.  And yet no one listened to me. NO ONE. Like come on guys. It’s not that difficult to treat this as a regular day at my request. Some people literally did it just because I specifically asked them not to. Which I would say frustrated me, but it did more than frustrated me. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to use profanity more.  And as surprising as it may be I don’t curse aloud or at people. I tend to use profanity strictly in my writing. Oh the hypocrisy.  Then when I told them how much I think my birthday is garbage I get these essay long messages about God and being special and I just really don’t care. I don’t want your sugar coated messages and your sympathy because I question all sympathy to a certain degree.  Are you truly listening to and understanding what I am saying prior to sympathizing or are you just sympathizing because that’s what you know to do? If it’s the latter, which a predominate amount of it is, then just leave me alone. Simple as that. My temperament is one that calms as I am left on my own.  If you’ve upset me then it’s best just to let me take time by myself to forgive/forget. If you’re constantly in my face about whatever the situation is then you’re serving as a reminder of what has upset me and I just get more annoyed. I literally just need a nap to calm down. I’m worse than the little kids who get grouchy so you force them to go to sleep, which is all they ever needed.  And I am aware that as a Christian I should care about what God says about me, but right now I don’t. That sounds terrible, I know.  I’ll do a separate post on that at a later time.  Right now I just want everyone to leave me be because if you tell me all these great things about myself, regardless of whether you mean it or not, when the world shows/tells me differently I get…..DISAPPOINTED. (I promise that’s my last time doing that). And I get sick of being disappointed.

There are a couple of great phrases that teachers hang in their classrooms and hipsters use in their description boxes.  One of these is one we’re all familiar with: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”  I’d be lying if I said that this phrase holds absolutely no grain of truth, but I believe it depends on what didn’t kill you. Some things don’t kill you, but make you regret that they didn’t.  Others maim, bruise, and break you.  A few will leave you in a comatose state.  It’s true that disappointment and trials build character, but it is also true that these things can break character as well.  One of the things about going to school, public or private, is that is universalizes the world for you.  To your mother you’re the best thing since indoor plumbing and for years she will tell you so. But when you get to grade school you’ll realize that everyone’s mother thinks they’re the most special human to breathe air so now you’re stuck in a bit of a rut.  You can break free from this by finding what makes you individually special. You can settle into in by going with the crowd and getting lost in the shuffle of things. Or you can have someone throw some dirt over you in the rut because now you’re feeling like you’re not special at all.  We’re all built differently so we will all respond differently.  If something like this fractures a bone as you are pelted with more and more similar situations then you’ll have a full blown break.  And not a clean break either.  True, you must apply pressure to coal to make a diamond, but as has been seen by the influx of coal sales at Lowes in this barbecue season not all coals turn to diamonds.  And some coal won’t even make it to the grill. It’ll be fine dust blowing in the wind somewhere.  People glorify tribulations and disappointments to a certain degree, but we all wish that we could achieve and receive without those things.  No one likes to be disappointed.

I’m really hoping I didn’t make too many errors in this post.  I looked at my last post and almost flipped my computer over. I’ve really got to start proofreading more.  With that being said, I’m off to watch ID and do my songwriting course.

 

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