In Which I Pick a Side

I recall a bible verse that speaks on double-mindedness.  Yes, I just took the time to google it. I have no shame. Its James 1:5-8 if you want to take a gander. I know the scripture is referencing a faith struggle, being faithful AND being doubtful won’t benefit your spiritual walk, but I really want to hone in on the part where it says, “he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”  The two-headed beast that I’m speaking on today does not really relate to faith. Hopefully you all will forgive me for taking the verse a bit out of it’s context. But hey, unlike some people I’m not going to use the bible to endorse Donal….never mind.  But I wanted to pinpoint the fact that being of two minds is a frustrating and fruitless thing.

I hinted (hardly hinting, I just outright said it) in one my previous posts that I am back in school.  Since I started the semester I decided that it would be best to pack my bags and return home.  While living with my grandmother has allowed me to be a help to my aunt and uncle who are her main caretakers, it has been exhausting.  I’ve admitted to not having the best relationship with her, but I realized that she is an anxiety trigger for me.  I feel like I’m constantly being watched and monitored, and not having my own space has been tough. The only times I am at ease are when I’m not home, when she’s not home, or when she’s sleep. Other than that my anxiety level stays at a level 94. Of course, since my main focus is school, I’m not working a job that provides an income high enough for me to afford my own place so I’ll be back with my parents. Which is it’s own level of difficulty seeing as to how I’m twenty-four years old and now feel that it’s time I cut the umbilical cord and be independent.  While I accept that I’m kind of unable to fully be independent it is still frustrating. It’s even more frustrating that I’m still teetering between the two locations because I have some loose ends to tie up this way before I can return home.  So quite frankly this is also holding me up from looking into another job, but that’s another glass of whine for another day.  Being unable to fully plant myself in one spot quite frankly makes me want to tear my hair out, but I can’t afford to do that because my edges are already thin (over-twisting your dreadlocks will do that to ya).  It makes me feel as if I am going no where and going fast.

Mr. Victor (my buddy from church) asked me one time, “Are you moving forward or are you going backwards? Because if you think you’re standing still, you’re really moving backwards.” And I’ve been a VHS on rewind for a long couple of months. I’ve done some productive things such as help my family and work, but while they are productive they are not beneficial. That sounds selfish and maybe it is. But as a twenty-four year old I still have a lot left to do in life, Lord willing and creek don’t rise.  I want a stable career, I kinda want to get married, I less than kinda want to have kids, and I want to be happy and successful. I want to be as helpful to my family as possible, but I also don’t want to put my life on hold any longer. As I have been at my grandmother’s I have not been working towards my future.  As things got tough at the hotel where I worked I realized that it was my choice to be there and that I could fault no one but myself.  I could try to blame my aunt who volunteered me for the job when I did not even want it, but the fact of the matter is that I accepted the job. Not only did I accept it, but I stayed there for almost a year. So my unhappiness was due to my own complacency.  For a while it started to feel sort of okay. I could afford to buy meaningless items, clothes that I still have not worn to this day, shoes I wore once but decided I didn’t really like after all, books I haven’t finished, a whole bunch of hooplah in other words. I got to meet some pretty cool people at work, who avoided drama, and added a healthy dose of humor to my life. But I was denying the disconnect that I always felt. I knew that I was not supposed to be sticking around long term because I never felt like moving back fit. It’s like this bad habit I have of buying things in the store that I know are too big. I will literally try the clothing item on and note that it’s one size larger than I need. Then I’ll take it home, wash it in hot water for a thousand times, and hope that it’ll shrink to the size I need.  Don’t do that. Just don’t.  Because you’ll waste time and money trying to work with something that is not guaranteed to work. It can shrink too much or not at all and then just ends up taking up space in your closet.  Moving back was me walking out of the store with a size *insert number here* knowing I really needed a size *insert smaller number here.  And staying is not having room in my closet for clothes that I know I want and can actually fit.

I may have used the analogy of buying clothes that are too large, but it’s best to describe it is growing out of something.  I think I grew out of my hometown some time ago.  The only people that I feel connected to here are my aunt and uncle.  The friends I have made are all on different pages that I am.  We want different things in life, which I don’t fault them for, but what they want is not what I want so it’s hard for us to play at the same game, ya know.  I feel as though I talk about my desires and dreams they look at me with that shifty eyed look. You know the look. I’ll post the meme in another post for you to see it.  I could always be imagining it, but the conversation usually ends or falters whenever I get started. Because my hometown is more of a traditional town and I’m not a traditional sort of girl. I’m the kind of person who eats pizza with honey. So my dreams and desires are all “artsy” and that’s looked upon as a something you eventually grow out of.  Instead I’ll get suggestions of nursing, factory work, etc , and all I can say is nope. No offense to those who occupy those areas, but that’s just not me.  This town is built on survival, survival and old money. If you don’t have old money then you’ve got to survive. I don’t want to survive. I’ve talked about that before. I could be in denial of the realities of adulthood, but I see people who are doing more than survive and I want to be one of them. I’m hoping that doesn’t make me sound all high and mighty. I don’t want to seem like I think I’m better than anyone because tuh, I struggle to think I’m AS good as anyone. But since I feel out of place my loneliness has increased, and that also motivates me to pack it up.

I understand that there will be times in life when I’m in a position of waiting, and waiting is not all that fun. But waiting is often necessary. I’m currently waiting necessarily and thought I’m understanding, it still aggravates my soul. And I have this tendency to cry when I’m frustrated so then I’m all snotty and frustrated which is not cute. But I’m still pushing myself to work hard on my school work, practice the guitar faithfully, and practice writing.  Because I still have my goal in mind and I know I can do it, regardless of the hangups that happen along the way.  For a while I thought I’d missed my time when I dropped out of school 5 years ago or even when I withdrew two years ago (they took my scholarship because I dropped a class. But they didn’t tell me that I had to have five classes to keep it so I blame the school….), but in a way things are working out because back then I was responsible for all of my school finances. I was working fulltime which made it hard to study and I was also battling untreated depression. So it was a heavier burden, though not as heavy as I’m sure others have carried.  Now I am more aware of my mental state whenever I feel hopeless and am more prepared to push through it (or work around it, honestly). Being in a place where I have to handle my own business, such as grocery shopping alone or going to the dentist, has helped me with my anxiety. Back in the day as soon as I felt like I couldn’t do something I’d take that as a sign to just stop. But since Granny’s groceries won’t buy themselves and I’ve had to push through the feeling to do what needs to be done it’s helped me accept that I am able to do what’s necessary even when anxiety tells me otherwise (that was a run on sentence. I can’t help it). My parents are also able to help me pay for school now since my step-dad has been blessed with a job that pays their workers like they genuinely care about their well-being. But I’m also fortunate to receive financial aid and have the help of my brother to assist me in scholarship essays (I’ll let you know if I ever win one…) so I haven’t had to enlist their help. So maybe the time is now, and I just have to be patient.  Mr. Victor sent me an email after I told him that my last minute school-enrollment worked out telling me that 2017 would be my year. I’m going to hold him to that statement.  As he has believed in me and has also blessed me tremendously with books, advice, and even the guitar I’m practicing I plan to make him proud.

So I just needed to write that, because I was working my way to being upset at having to wait another week or two to go back home.  But now I feel better about the whole situation.  This is also why I have to put my facebook account on hold because I probably sound like a downright pessimist who enjoys venting all my feelings to my poor facebook friends.  Once I write it down I tend to feel better then I get buyers remorse when I look at those angry sounding statuses I post.  Anywho, hopefully everyone is fairing well out there. The sun is shining here in ye ole Mississippi. I know Trump is president and that can put a damper on your next four years, but lets try to hang in there.  I’m not about to reread this so…..forgive the errors….


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