In Which I Can’t See the Forest for the Trees

There are times in life where you will find that good advice becomes a hurdle. Many times. Lots. *in my Donald Trump voice*  I am finding that I have been in the midst of such a time for quite some time (niiiiiice) and was completely unaware. As a Christian, in my denominational as well as nondenominational background, I have heard that I should listen to God speak.  What is God saying about my future? What is God saying about the bible? What is God saying about the present? And you know, listening to God is great. In fact, two way conversation with God is phenomenal. When I hear of how people have heard God tell them what school to go, what job to apply for, or even what hair products to use, I bubble over with fascination. Like, I want to hear from God too! But I’m starting to see now that this advice can be a burden. How? Well pull up a chair while I pour you a glass of whine (spelling intended).

It’s possible to focus so much so on hearing from God that you can actually completely miss hearing from God. Sometimes it can just blow your whole relationship with God to smithereens. There are times where I feel like silence from God means I’m doing something wrong. Maybe I’m praying wrong or not enough. Maybe I haven’t asked for forgiveness for something. Maybe my spiritual maturity is that of a baby (which technically it is). This could be this case, but it could just as well not be the case at all.  There are times where God allows you to make choices on your own without him having to add his input. Some times you already know what you are supposed to do and say and God doesn’t need to say anything. Other times, we just have to be patient in the waiting game before we do hear from him. It’s not bad; it just…is. If you don’t hear from God the first prayer and your whole focus is on hearing from God you can put too much pressure on yourself when you are met with silence. Or worse, you can bank so much on hearing from God that you miss out on relishing in who God is in general.  No, this isn’t to say that you should never seek hearing from God. To never believe it’s possible is to cheat yourself out of a meaningful relationship. But shift your focus on talking to God as a means of getting into his presence. Yes, I know he’s always there so that’s not exactly the best way to word it, but what I mean is that we should talk to God to keep the communication lines open. If he answers today, AWESOME! If we don’t hear from him today, then that’s okay. Just know that you can and will hear from him.

I’ve heard it before that if you don’t hear from God you aren’t listening hard enough and that’s just not true. Maybe you truly are in a place in your journey where you don’t hear from God immediately. You could just be getting saved today or maybe you are just growing in your walk with God so it could take some time before you get to the place where you can hear God speaking to you. Don’t rush the process. And don’t feel bad that someone else go saved five minutes ago and heard God tell them what to do two seconds after they believed. Everyone’s journey is different. If you start feeling guilty about no immediate answers, you get into condemnation. And condemnation never helped anyone, but it hurts everyone.  Of course, silence could also mean a disconnection. Maybe you do need to repair your relationship with God. Or perhaps you need to initiate an actual relationship with God. In my case, it’s probably the latter (I’ll write on that at another time. Probably my next post). It’s perfectly fine to do a self check and assess if you’re in right standing. If you are and you still find yourself doing more talking than God is, then just stay patient. God’s not ignoring you. It can just be taking some time.

So that’s my little tidbit for today. If you find yourself pushing and pushing to hear God’s voice, you may be doing too much for your spiritual health. You could be missing enjoying God’s presence because you’re fighting to hear a word, any word, from God. Also, I heard something from somewhere (can’t exactly recall the source) that we are often misled into believing that the only way we can hear from God is by him talking to us verbally or in some clear magical voice. This isn’t true either. Have you ever felt led to give something, do something, say something but you’re unsure of the source of those little nudges? That could very well be God speaking to you or guiding you. When you sit down and read your bible, that’s God’s word. You are hearing from him while reading (though some parts are not God’s direct voice but that’s another adventure for another day). I’ve also learned that a great relationship can sometimes be enjoyed in mutual silence. I have friends/family that I can sit in a room with and enjoy their presence without either of us saying a word. What are you focusing on? Hearing from God or having a relationship with him? If you focus on the latter, the former will follow. What are your thoughts on the subject? If you feel I am wrong, then you could be very well right! Feel free to give thoughts, personal experiences, and what not. Just, ya know, be nice. I’m still learning!


In Which it is Whatever it may be

Ya know, I never can remember what to capitalize in a title….ah well.

Happy New Year, wonderfully beautiful people. I know it’s been 2018 for almost 24 hours for some or maybe more than 24 hours for others. I also know that coming into a new year can be an interesting experience. In this brief period of time, right before, during, and after January 1st, we all see some posts bashing resolutions. If you’ve made one, liked one, or re-posted one…no offense. I respect the disdain some have towards waiting until the year’s opening to initiate a change. Ye ole saying, “why wait for tomorrow for what you can do today,” is a wise saying. And I probably wrote it wrong, but I don’t feel like googling the exact words. Such is life.  At the same time, I understand the joy people have for starting something new on the opening of a completely new chapter. Some times it truly is easier to give yourself time, or an exact time, to begin a new journey. Some of our journey destinations are specific: get your degree, lost fifteen pounds, gain fifteen pounds, finish that book, propose to that guy/gal. Others are pretty general: be happier, be healthier, be bolder. Different strokes for different folks. One thing I think we can all agree on is that if you miss the mark for your resolution, or blow it completely, guilt can eat away at you like an airborne disease. It sucks, in all the suckiness of suckulage suckage, to fail to complete a goal or live up to a standard you have set for yourself. Of course, life hits us where it hurts and can make any goal difficult to reach; yet and still, we don’t think of that in light of failure. If you slip up, that mysterious Facebook friend who you don’t remember adding is sure to make some post about futile attempts to complete a resolution.  Much like a pastor in the pulpit preaching a sermon straight from your diary, it can feel like a sign from the heavens. But ya know what? We’re all human. If you miss the mark. tough titulars. If you live to see another minute, you have time to start again. If you don’t live to see another minute…well…honestly at that point a resolution won’t be your primary concern, I’m sure. My hopes for this year and the next are that instead of measuring our success or our persons by what we achieve (goals, dreams, or material successes) we deem this year and the next the years of self-definition.

None of that first paragraph meshed together well, but I’m sure no one finished it so no harm done. But if you did, you poor soul. Anywho, time for a random backstory. I am currently back at my grandmothers for the holidays and will be travelling back home on Wednesday. Part of me is excited to return to my bed, my room, and sweet, sweet silence. The other part of me is torn. My hometown, where my grandmother resides, is quaint. My favorite Aunt and Uncle live here. And something about the atmosphere feels warm. I don’t quite know what I mean by warm, but I know that rural life is warmer than it’s cold cousin (twice removed), city life. At the center of this inner turmoil is the fact that I resume school next week (hopefully, I’m still in limbo with transferring from a community college to a four year. It’s a bit annoying to be in limbo), which I am looking forward to, but also dreading. It’s easy to get caught up in the fact that school is in the unknown right now and that part of me is dreading going home to the cold city. And more often than not, I find myself feeling gray, regardless of the fact that I know the necessity of finishing school and having the opportunities that come with holding a degree. It all boils down to not being in the place that I want to be; not being the person I want to be. More so than that, not knowing the person I want to be. In these moments I have to do some redefining. I can’t go back into the past and change actions I have previously taken. I can’t undo choices I have made, but I can do the best I can to make the best of the situation. And this begins with changing my mindset.

I’ll never be one who says, “it’s all in your mind!” or “you just have to think differently!” I think those two phrases are overused, abused, and misused cliches. For some, changing your mindset is simple. For others, like those with mental illness/disorders, changing a mindset is less than half the battle. And being told to do so is like being socked in the stomach when you’ve already got the stomach virus.  But I would encourage that as much as you can, try to think positively about yourself and your situation. Or at least neutrally. I’ve been self-conscious about my appearance since I became aware of the fact that others were mindful of how I looked. While I find it laborious to call myself beautiful, I can at least go half-way and view myself as average. Gotta start somewhere. Sure, I’m a twenty-five year old college student who is not employed, but I’m not the bum I thought I was/think I am. I’m just a person who could have been further ahead in life but at the same time, further behind in life. It isn’t easy to back down from my negative mindset about myself, but I can’t survive with that mindset alone. It’s the thought cycle that I know, that I’m accustomed to. Yet, it does nothing but tie anchors to my sinking feelings. At the same time, I acknowledge that many have circumstances that are overwhelming and impossible to add a positive spin on. I can’t and won’t tell you to redefine anything. Not with a clean conscious, at least. I can only say that you’re more than you think you are and better than you feel you are. Life is handing lemons to a diamond. Even if you can’t make lemonade, you’re still a diamond. Yea, I suck. I know.

So if you’re setting some goals this year, if you’re making some resolutions, if you’re hoping for a new beginning or praying for final closure. And none of that works out. I mean NONE OF IT. Everything that CAN backfire DOES backfire and burns slowly right before your beady little eyes. I, in the least, hope you’ll allow yourself to redefine it. Failure is practice. Mistakes are opportunities for growth. Hurt does heal. And your life cannot be compared to another’s, regardless of how glamorous their life may be. Perfection in humans is nonexistent. It’s okay to start again, to start slower, or to start lower. So again I say, Happy New Year. Let’s make it a great year by our own standards.

In Which There is Mindless Wondering

Mindless wondering….paradoxical, much? I find myself asking a mounting number of questions these days. Which, likely, wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that I never seem to be able to attach even the vaguest of answers to any from the heap.  At first, I chocked this up to not looking enough, learning enough, or knowing enough. But now I realize, or at least assume, that this can be attributed to getting older. Perhaps I am just excusing my own ignorance….we’ll see….

I used to live under the false pretense that as you age, the questions of yesteryear would find their own answers. If not today, then tomorrow; or perhaps once you reached a certain age. The same way that an eighteen-year-old can finally know the experience of voting; choosing the next president or watching their favorite mayoral candidate lose to his/her opponent. Or the way that a twenty-one-year-old can celebrate their first sip of alcohol by enjoying a cold beer with a group of friends. Then again, why do we keep living with the lie that beer tastes like anything other than bubbly liquid trash (sorry beer drinkers)? It dawns on me now, after twenty-five years of life on this rotating water crested marble, that learning never quite equals closure. Learning seems to give birth to a litter of open-ended questions.

Not knowing isn’t the polar opposite of knowing. That sounds deep, am I right? But I’m not deep. I am but a brooding little puddle. A wondering, rarely satisfied droplet. That sounded deep, too. Actually, it probably didn’t and I’m just giving myself far too much credit. But back to the point: it is possible to know and to not know at once. I know that death comes for us all, but I have no idea what death is like. Is there really such a thing as “life flashing before your eyes” in that moment before your final breath? When we die before our time, is it possible to have an extension granted from God (for my fellow God believers)? Is there such a thing as dying before your time; is death predetermined or by chance? What types of death are predetermined? Car accidents? Heart Attacks? Dying from old age? Suicide? I dunno. See what I mean.

Today, on this young 22nd of December, I accepted the fact that aging doesn’t mean knowing more; it means asking more. Our eyes are opened to the vast gray area which exists in our once black and white world. Think of a baby. My niece is only four months so she’s at the point in her life in which everything should be tasted. People’s shirts? Chew them. Nana’s fingers? Eat them. The tissue you just wiped her snot on? Sure, why not taste that too??? She only understands that things that are close can be put in her mouth and that things that are not close cannot. But once those things get closer, they should immediately be in her mouth. As an adult with a grain of common sense, I know that she can’t put everything in her mouth or she could choke, get sick, or even die. In the same sense, I know there are things that can be put in the mouth but aren’t preferred. I don’t like unsweetened tea. I mean, it’s drinkable, but to a southerner unsweetened tea is blasphemous. You can’t trust people who don’t like tea without some form of sweetener. Those kinds of people probably practice some form of black magic. Even as I allow myself to think about this poor example, I acknowledge that I can grow it. There are many possibilities. That’s what its like. It seems like everything has become infinite to a certain degree. Of course, there’s an end to virtually everything, but there are many ends that we will never reach. So, how can you even know if there is an end……my brain hurts. Let’s move along.

Here are some questions I find myself mulling over these days. What would I do if there was no Heaven? Do I enjoy living? What will my life be like? What is it like to enjoy life? Why did the creators of Naruto feel it was necessary to kill off Minato? Why did Arnold have two parents with regular shaped heads, but he somehow ended up with one shaped like a football (really, they should have answered that in the new movie)? Is loneliness underwhelming or overwhelming? Why is spring water nasty? Why do people think all water tastes the same? ( Because IT DOESN’T!!!) Is the outcome of life based more so off what we make of it or what comes with it? Do we all really have individual purposes or is that something we tell ourselves to help substantiate our personal choices? Yep, I’m just a lost soul these days.

So that’s all for now. Just some thoughts that are neither here. Nor there. Nor anywhere. I think this posts stems from my reading Richard Wright and Haruki Murakami this week. Or from my continual state of confusion that I usually deny. Who knows? Anywho! If I don’t make any posts before the big day, Merry Christmas to you guys/gals! Or Happy Holidays to my non-religious (or non-Christian) peeps! I’ll probably end up making a posts before then, though. But ya know….you can never be too sure.

PS: I need book recommendations from Native American writers or writers who have migrated from North Korea. Preferably non-fiction. I’m trying to widen my reading scope these days. So, if you have any, feel free to drop em!

In Which I am Not Enough

Contrary to how that title sounds, this is not a disheartening post. It’s diet disheartening. One of the second biggest adjustments I’ve been making following my step-father’s death is filling in that emptiness for my mom. I think the most common thing I hear when people speak to me, whether it be family members or church members, is, “Take care of your mom.” To which my mind automatically responds, “No pressure, right?”  Being a daughter trying to decrease the gaping hole of a husband is difficult and, quite frankly, damn near impossible.  I can occupy a room in the house, which eliminates a fraction of the silence.  I can govern the bill payments, which eradicates a minimum amount of responsibility. But in the end, I’m not a husband so I’ll never be enough of what my mom has lost.

Now, I know I said that this wouldn’t be an overly disheartening post so let me get to the less “heart-achy” part. Accepting that I’m not going to be able to fill certain roles is liberating.  When I try to do and be everything, I only end up questioning myself and my efforts.  When my mom has her moments of acute grief, in which I can read the loss in the expressions of her face or the busyness of her hands, I start pondering, “Okay, what can I do? What can I say?” And most often the answer is, “nothing that helps.” At times, I can only be there. I have to allow her to heal the way she heals, and only step into that moment when she grants me permission.  I can’t be everything and everyone that she needs. If she needs counseling, I’m not the person for it. I took one Death and Dying class like 6 years ago, and very few psychology classes so there’s only so much I can say or do. If she needs a listening ear, I’m not going to be the person she goes to as a default. She’ll want someone closer in age and who can better relate to the loss, such as our church member whose husband passed last year from cancer. If she wants someone to pray with, she may choose me out of convenience, but chances are she’s going to go to someone who is more spiritually mature than I am. And I hold nothing against her or myself for any of these things. I also know that she does not hold anything against me. She understands that I am not enough. And you know what? That’s okay.

I was having a conversation with my mom just last week about my sister and her spouse. She’ll never see this post so she’ll forgive me for telling her business. Her and her husband only knew each other three months prior to marriage and forewent pre-marital counseling. I would advise you all to do NEITHER of those. Marriages work best when there is pre-marital class attendance (spiritual or other) and if you know someone at least 25 months prior to the hitch. Well, now they are experiencing some turmoil, especially since they just had a baby. Everything came to a head when last week I get a call from my sister saying that her and the children are coming to stay at the house for the weekend. This call signals to me that there has been a marital disagreement. Welp, thirty minutes into them being at the house she knocks on my bedroom door with the newborn in her arms, tears streaming down her face, asking me can I keep the baby while she gets her things out of the driveway. Her husband has gotten so beside himself that he basically decides to kick her out of the house, newborn baby and all, and has dumped every one of her belongings in the driveway. My mom comes home to this new revelation of the crisis, and she’s trying to figure out what to do to remedy the situation. She’s calling the husband, comforting my sister, and cleaning the spare room, almost all at once. After looking at her rip and run for an hour I finally pulled her to the side and said, “Ma. You are not a marriage counselor. You can only do so much as a mother and a wife. And even still, you are transitioning into widowhood. You are NOT a marriage counselor.” I said these things because we all struggle to fill roles that are over and above our pay-grades and our heads. As a result, if things don’t work out, we fault ourselves. Sometimes, we have to let things go and hand them over to people better suited for the job.  While my sister and her family are important to me, my mother is more important so I don’t want to see her feel overwhelmed. Thus, I warned her to know her limitations and work within those lines. If they need counseling, they need a counselor. Debra ain’t one.

On a positive note, my sister and her husband patched things up, packed things up, and moved all her things back out by Sunday night. Oddly enough, following that debacle, I wondered if perhaps my mom needed more than me around to be satisfied, to heal better. And I really began to down myself because I thought, and still think, that she did. And I’ve come to a place where I understand that this is not my problem. I can only stretch myself so wide and spread myself so thin before I’m doing more than I can handle.  We all have to look at things in a manner of, “What can I do before this begins to become unhealthy?” There’s nothing wrong with that. We are not super heroes. We are daughters, sons, mothers, husbands, siblings, teachers, mentors, etc. We are all something and yet, we are all not something, if that makes sense.  At some point we’ll find that we are not enough. And this does not mean that we are crappy people. It means that we are human. Anyone who criticizes you for falling short in an area that isn’t your expertise is just being unfair to you.  Whatever you are enough in, refine and fine-tune until you are the best you can be at it. I’m enough as a daughter. And I’m going to be the best daughter I can possibly be. Soon enough, I’ll be a career woman and a provider so I’ll transition to being a provider for my mom. And I’ll be enough of that as well. And whatever I’m not enough in? I’ll do my best and accept when it is time to hand it off to someone better suited.


In Which Life Stopped but Didn’t

Somewhere, hidden deeply on this blog of rambles and rants is a wise quote. A quote so wise that I’m pretty sure I didn’t say it and that I just paraphrased it. And I’m going to paraphrase it again because I literally cannot remember what I originally wrote.

“when a person doth die, it feeleth as though thine world should cease. Alas, it doth not.”

Moral of that story is that I couldn’t hang with Shakespeare on my best day.  A greater moral is that life truly does move right along with someone dies, and this truth is disturbing to say the least.

After finals wrapped up and I finally conquered Chemistry with a passing grade this summer, I thought that life was on it’s way up hill. Things were looking better and brighter. I felt like I was a young David and my stone had just pierced the delicate flesh on Goliath’s forehead.  Yes, I was victorious that Friday. And then Saturday rolled around. It was hot, of course, and sunny. I mean, it’s Mississippi. It’s hotter than….hot things….My stepdad came in the house, smelling like wildlife and magnolia trees, and told me that he was taking the neighbors fishing.  He’d already been fishing that morning, but was really excited about finally going to this secret fishing spot way out in the woods that our young neighbor knew about. I love to fish, but in that heat I let him have it all to himself. I figured I’d catch a fishing trip with him in the brief weeks between that weekend and the start of the fall semester. So we shared a good laugh, and I joked about him having to drive back to the house to get his phone that he left on the charger. As I watched him through the peep hole of the door, to ensure that he would not be knocking at the door for anything else he had forgotten, I didn’t quite realize that our jovial exchange would be our last.

Earlier that week I’d been having an odd feeling. I kept asking myself what I would do if David (my stepdad) died out of the blue. It was sort of the feeling I got right before my Grandfather passed away, but he had been sick for over a year so death was looming over all of our heads like a storm cloud waiting to erupt. I chalked the feeling up me just being paranoid. When you have anxiety, you’ll ALWAYS think, “well, what if the worst thing that could happen actually happens.” Never fails. It’s the unfortunate part of anxiety.  Well, Ma and I were customizing a pizza order for dinner when the neighbor’s mom came knocking at our door, looking agitated and pained.  As her and ma conversed, I thought that perhaps she was just wondering when David would be delivering her son home, as it was getting dark and the rain, which suddenly began pouring down minutes before, was not letting up.  But my anxiety started escalating as I heard them talking, and I knew something was wrong. And when I heard Ma say the words, “heart attack,” my heart sank. I rushed into the living room to stand beside her as she talked on the phone with the neighbor who had gone fishing with David.  From what I could understand, something had happened and they were thinking it was a heart attack.  Of course, I’m mulling this over like, “A heart attack? Okay, we’re going to go to the hospital and he’s going to have emergency surgery and everything is going to be okay.” Wrong. What Ma failed to tell me is that the coroner was already on their way to the fishing pool. That the neighbor had done CPR for 20 straight minutes to no avail. And that David was already gone.

Driving that long ass forty-five minute drive to the middle of Edwards, MS was like an out-of-body experience. The whole time I just kept thinking this isn’t happening. This isn’t real. This isn’t really happening to us. When we finally made it to the scene, the police standing at the road immediately took off their hats and began with the apologies. But Ma was a woman on a mission. Through their explanation of what happened Ma stopped the sheriff and asked, “Okay, where is he?” They pointed us up a long, gravel drive way and allowed us to walk up to where David was laying. Even as we saw him on the porch of the pond owner’s home covered in a black tarp the reality of the situation did not set in. Ma was praying and went bent over David, moving his head so that he faced her. Saying his name and patting him, praying that he could be that Saturday’s Lazarus. But it was not to be. And when they had to move him to a body-bag to prevent the ants from attacking, I just knew deep down inside, where faith and denial intertwine, that he was going to move. That a miracle was going to happen and he was going to bust the zipper on the bag or cry that he couldn’t breath in there. But it didn’t happen. Ma walked around, dazed and calling David’s friend for the name of a funeral home. I was dazed as I saw them lay him on the back of the firetruck and drive him to the front of the driveway to await the funeral home. And we were eerily calm. I’m sure the police officers out there were puzzled as they asked us if we were okay, and we said in even tones, “Yes. We’re fine.” And the wait. THE WAIT. The funeral home did not arrive until 10:00 PM.  So we had to drive home in complete darkness. And if I thought the drive there was bad, the drive home was worse. First off, we got lost, SUPER lost. My phone battery had died and Ma’s was dying, but thank God, we arrived in a church parking lot that was clear enough for us to pick up an internet signal. After Ma’s phone directed us to our designated street which would lead us to the interstate, it died as well. On a night that can make you question the inner workings of God, it also affirms that God was looking out for us. But we silently drove home. No music. No talking. No prayer. Just silence. And this thick cloud of disbelief. He was just fifty-five. It was a beautiful day. He never showed any signs. He is no longer here.

Shock is the most powerful stage of grief I have ever experienced. When my grandfather died, I wasn’t at all shocked. I was expectant. And I was shamefully glad. He had been suffering for months with no relief. His kidneys were failing. He was in pain every second of the day that he was awake. He’d lost more than fifty pounds. I was happy that he no longer had to be in pain in an Earthly vessel which no longer functioned in a manner conducive to living. And when my biological father died I was only five years old. I understood that he was no longer coming back even though I didn’t understand death (and Ma didn’t tell me either), but with the support of our family who assisted us financially and emotionally I adapted to the loss. But when David died all I could think about was how he laughed on his way out of the door. How we were just planning to call him to see what he wanted for dinner right before the fateful knock at the door.  And to make matters oh so worse, we got up Sunday morning and the sun was shining. Cars were driving to wherever their destinations were. And life went right along. Monday came and we searched frantically for life insurance information and life moved on. Tuesday, my brother and Ma had to finalize a funeral home and life moved on. Wednesday, the stress took a toll on my brother and we had to take him to the emergency room. Shortly after getting him back home to rest, Ma and I rushed to a meeting at the cemetery. And life fucking moved on and in my mind I thought this is the most messed up thing. I felt like the whole world should have stopped. I wondered how we could live on, move on. What I needed to do about school. What ma needed to do about the house. Did we need to move back to our hometown? Did we need to sell everything? Panic consumed me and I just wanted everything to cease for just a minute so that I could catch up with the chaos that had unfolded. But it didn’t. It never does.

And then Friday, the day before the funeral, my sister gave birth to a six pound, nineteen inch healthy little girl and I realized that I needed to accept that life does not stop when a life stops. As the newborn baby squirmed in her bassinet, trying to warm up under the heater, the epitome of continuance sank in. Probably for Ma more so than me.  As crazy as it is, we have to move on, and it even sounds heartless to say. We have to move on. Our bodies are still functioning. Our lungs still filling up with air. Our hearts still beating. And we are still living even when we don’t know how.

Every time a person would ask me am I okay I smile and say yes. I joke. I laugh. Not because my stepdad meant nothing to me. Not because I’m made of stone. But because I can cry anytime alone. Anytime. All hours of the day and night. But I’d rather laugh and smile with others, enjoy that moment in life when I have it because once it’s gone it’s gone. Time will not pause for me to grieve. This isn’t to say that everyone should just stop crying and accept death. We each move at our own pace and mourn in our own ways. It’s perfectly healthy and normal to cry or to not cry. So don’t let anyone tell you how you should grieve. And I was fortunate and blessed enough to have enjoyed a moment of banter. To have seen his smile and heard his laugh. And when I think of him I see his happiness. His mischief. His annoying habit of busting into the room while I’m taking a quiz, talking on speakerphone with one of his fishing buddies. Or how he always ended a text or a phone call with, “10-4 good buddy.”  I’m glad I got experience having a dad, even if it was for a brief time. And I’m especially glad Ma got to spend a decade with someone who loved her and cared for her. To think that the day that would have been their 12th anniversary was the day she placed a rose on the casket before they lowered it into the ground is gut wrenching. But we’re still here. And we have each other. Plus, all of our family came to town and it was good for us all to be together again. It was like a signal that we needed to do it more often and on more joyous occasions. But we’ll have that chance because, once again, life remains. It hasn’t stopped at all.

I like to think that David is celebrating in Heaven. That he hates he left early and suddenly, but that he knows that where he is now is paradise. I’m still nervous about the future and what it holds for Ma and our family, but I plan to make the best of it. I’m still enrolled in school, and I know that David would want me to finish (he was more excited than me when I returned). And Ma has so many people looking out for her. Trust me, we got mobbed at church yesterday and our family has been texting nonstop.  So while life going on is pretty crazy, it’s also kinda beautiful in a way. But definitely more crazy.


Dream on, Kid

Fantasies of being someone else

is not really about the belief

the hope

that it is possible

this truth now fails to evade me

and I have made a sensible amount of peace with it

You see,

it actually boils down to that hour

that minute

those few seconds where I escape the madness of being myself

therein lies the cause of craving

In Which I Shouldn’t Drink Coffee

You know how people are mushy drunks??? I’m a mushy coffee drinker. As soon as caffeine hits my system I’m an emotional wreck. If ever anyone has been fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) to receive an “I love you!” or “I’m so proud of you!” text from me trust I just finished a mug of coffee…..Welp, could be worse! Or could it….

My friend in Alabama sent me a message last night with the link to her home health website for me to take a gander at.  She’s been working on the idea for a while, but never really started putting it into action because while she was in Mississippi, work ate most of her time and also did not allot her any disposable income to put her plans into motion.  After receiving a better paying job offer in Alabama, she loaded up her truck, tossed her two sons in the back seat, and hit the dusty trail.  But she even with her more comfortable living arrangement and higher rank job, she still had the itch to start her own business.  Well it took a while, but she’s been getting her business license paperwork, designing her business card, and completing the website.  Even though she sent me the message last night, I fell asleep before I could open it (it had been raining all day here and as you know, rain is perfect reading and sleeping weather) so I didn’t open it until I was sitting at the kitchen table reading “Rappaccini’s Daughter” and drinking my morning coffee. And I just had to tell her that I was incredibly proud of her. And I am. I probably would have told her that regardless of my choice of beverage, but still, it intensified the need to tell her. Coffee. It’ll make you do things. It won’t help you be productive, but…it’ll make you do other things…..

I’m a bit of a weirdo when it comes to such things.  My friend Bianca used to tell me all of the time, “Amber, you know why you’re cool? Because you have friends, but you act like you don’t need them. That’s cool.” And in my mind I was thinking, “that probably means your standards of cool are pretty low…..and also that I’m apparently a bit of an asshole….” But as I’ve said before, I’m very defensive of myself. I may act like I don’t need someone for the simple fact that I know that it’ll hurt less if that person ever decides that my companionship is not needed.  At the same time, I habitually ask my friends what their life dreams and goals are. Some don’t have any dreams or goals other than to survive in this crazed world, and others have very specific goals. If they tell me a goal they have in mind I’ll let them know I believe that they can do it or be it, whatever the “it” may be. Because, for one, that’s what friends do. I suck at being a friend, but I’m pretty good in that area if I say so myself.  And also because life has a funny, not funny, way of kicking you in the shin and going, “NOT TODAY!” whenever you start inching closer and closer towards your dreams.  Some times your family may tell you that what you’re hoping for is not realistic. Maybe an article pops up on your timeline that says, “Top Useless Degrees” and right there on the list is your degree. Or maybe you’re still in the progress stage and you feel like you’re going to be stuck there forever. And all you really want and need is for your slightly asshole-ish friend to randomly say, “I believe in you.”

It’s funny how time can bring about a change, because back in the dizzle I would be the last person to express anything of the like.  Well, when I was kid I would because I was born to be a delicate little muffin. I remember when I was about five or six, I told my granny, “Granny. I love you. Even after I die and go to heaven, I’ll still love you in heaven.” That’s just the kind of person I was. All kids are kind of like that: hopeful, gentle, optimistic. Then puberty drop kicks you in the neck and well….it was nice while it lasted. After that, being kind is an uphill battle. Specifically, once I hit high-school I lost my gentle edge for a while.  Mostly because during this period you’re trying to find your place in the world. So I was mostly struggling with just being myself, and it bothered me if I did something that my friends liked so they would do it too. It legitimately bothered me. Because I figured if they did it, especially since they were more popular, they’d get the most attention for it. Yea yea yea, I know. Sad *Donald Trump voice* Even when I dyed my hair freshman year of college, both of my closest friends dyed theirs afterwards and I hated it. HATED IT. *Big Sean voice* Poor self image and envy are a terrible mix. *shakes my head* The thought of someone doing better didn’t sit well with me because it made me realize just how NOT better I was doing. But now I know that’s really a sucky mindset and poor heart condition to have.  If someone is doing well then you should rejoice, unless they’re a criminal….And if someone isn’t doing too great then you should empathize because we’re all human and none of us like to suffer. If you extend kindness to someone they will return it to you in your time of need (hopefully. We all know that doesn’t always work out). If you practice being a hater, then you’ll receive hate in return.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can make it through life alone. And when you act maliciously then you increase your chances of spending your life by yourself, with no one to celebrate your success or lift you from your own despair. That’s a tough life to live.

I’ve also internalized the truth of the matter: If God can and will do it for someone else, he can and will do it for me.  Of course, I struggle with this from time to time. At some point later I’ll have a post about God NOT doing it for me because emotions…they’re fickle things….BUT I also know that if my heart is not in the right place, then he can’t give me anything or do anything for me, at least not to the extent he desires to.  So now when I see someone else being blessed, I thank God for it. Not solely because I know that he can do the same for me, but because I’m grateful that each of us has a great purpose for living.  We may struggle to get there, but it’s still there. “For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you, not to harm you…” Yes. Yes I did use profanity and quote a bible verse in the same post. Forgive me, Lawd. I especially think of the people who swam through the swamp, and still ended up on the peak of the mountain. You never know what people went through to get where they are. It amazing to hear individuals’ stories about their backgrounds and compare that to their accomplishments. Truly amazing. Let that be encouraging, not envy inducing.  And believe that God has things in store for you as well. Now, it may not come in the same package as someone else’s and it definitely won’t come when you think it will, but it’s coming.

So in my caffeine chronicles I’m here to say that I’m proud of everyone here. Even if you don’t think you’re where you need to be or should be. I’m still proud and I still believe in you. *cue the national anthem playing in the background, and an Eagle perching on my shoulder….And my head on Barack Obama’s body….but with his smile….* Too much detail…..