Mindless wondering….paradoxical, much? I find myself asking a mounting number of questions these days. Which, likely, wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that I never seem to be able to attach even the vaguest of answers to any from the heap. At first, I chocked this up to not looking enough, learning enough, or knowing enough. But now I realize, or at least assume, that this can be attributed to getting older. Perhaps I am just excusing my own ignorance….we’ll see….
I used to live under the false pretense that as you age, the questions of yesteryear would find their own answers. If not today, then tomorrow; or perhaps once you reached a certain age. The same way that an eighteen-year-old can finally know the experience of voting; choosing the next president or watching their favorite mayoral candidate lose to his/her opponent. Or the way that a twenty-one-year-old can celebrate their first sip of alcohol by enjoying a cold beer with a group of friends. Then again, why do we keep living with the lie that beer tastes like anything other than bubbly liquid trash (sorry beer drinkers)? It dawns on me now, after twenty-five years of life on this rotating water crested marble, that learning never quite equals closure. Learning seems to give birth to a litter of open-ended questions.
Not knowing isn’t the polar opposite of knowing. That sounds deep, am I right? But I’m not deep. I am but a brooding little puddle. A wondering, rarely satisfied droplet. That sounded deep, too. Actually, it probably didn’t and I’m just giving myself far too much credit. But back to the point: it is possible to know and to not know at once. I know that death comes for us all, but I have no idea what death is like. Is there really such a thing as “life flashing before your eyes” in that moment before your final breath? When we die before our time, is it possible to have an extension granted from God (for my fellow God believers)? Is there such a thing as dying before your time; is death predetermined or by chance? What types of death are predetermined? Car accidents? Heart Attacks? Dying from old age? Suicide? I dunno. See what I mean.
Today, on this young 22nd of December, I accepted the fact that aging doesn’t mean knowing more; it means asking more. Our eyes are opened to the vast gray area which exists in our once black and white world. Think of a baby. My niece is only four months so she’s at the point in her life in which everything should be tasted. People’s shirts? Chew them. Nana’s fingers? Eat them. The tissue you just wiped her snot on? Sure, why not taste that too??? She only understands that things that are close can be put in her mouth and that things that are not close cannot. But once those things get closer, they should immediately be in her mouth. As an adult with a grain of common sense, I know that she can’t put everything in her mouth or she could choke, get sick, or even die. In the same sense, I know there are things that can be put in the mouth but aren’t preferred. I don’t like unsweetened tea. I mean, it’s drinkable, but to a southerner unsweetened tea is blasphemous. You can’t trust people who don’t like tea without some form of sweetener. Those kinds of people probably practice some form of black magic. Even as I allow myself to think about this poor example, I acknowledge that I can grow it. There are many possibilities. That’s what its like. It seems like everything has become infinite to a certain degree. Of course, there’s an end to virtually everything, but there are many ends that we will never reach. So, how can you even know if there is an end……my brain hurts. Let’s move along.
Here are some questions I find myself mulling over these days. What would I do if there was no Heaven? Do I enjoy living? What will my life be like? What is it like to enjoy life? Why did the creators of Naruto feel it was necessary to kill off Minato? Why did Arnold have two parents with regular shaped heads, but he somehow ended up with one shaped like a football (really, they should have answered that in the new movie)? Is loneliness underwhelming or overwhelming? Why is spring water nasty? Why do people think all water tastes the same? ( Because IT DOESN’T!!!) Is the outcome of life based more so off what we make of it or what comes with it? Do we all really have individual purposes or is that something we tell ourselves to help substantiate our personal choices? Yep, I’m just a lost soul these days.
So that’s all for now. Just some thoughts that are neither here. Nor there. Nor anywhere. I think this posts stems from my reading Richard Wright and Haruki Murakami this week. Or from my continual state of confusion that I usually deny. Who knows? Anywho! If I don’t make any posts before the big day, Merry Christmas to you guys/gals! Or Happy Holidays to my non-religious (or non-Christian) peeps! I’ll probably end up making a posts before then, though. But ya know….you can never be too sure.
PS: I need book recommendations from Native American writers or writers who have migrated from North Korea. Preferably non-fiction. I’m trying to widen my reading scope these days. So, if you have any, feel free to drop em!