Tag: forgiveness

In Which I Got a Second Chance

I’m trying to ride this wave of positivity as far as it’ll take me. So this post is another fairly optimistic one.

Yesterday, after I typed that post about forgiveness, restoration, and the like, I closed down my computer and told a lie.  Well, to be honest it was at least four hours later, but here’s the deal. What had happened was….My stepsister got a 2011 Chevrolet Cruze about two and a half years ago. Ever since she drove it off the lot, in all its silver and shiny chrome glory, it’s been giving her all sorts of trouble.  Not even six months after she became it’s official owner the engine light came on and stayed on no matter how many times she took it back to the dealership for them to fix. Last week my stepdad noticed a puddle in the driveway where she usually parked her car.  Upon investigation,he realized that her car was leaking something, but he couldn’t pinpoint the source. Assuming it was the antifreeze leaking, especially since later that week the car began running hot everyday, he took it to a mechanic that he knew personally to have it fixed.  Lo and behold,  the guy delivers worse news: the water pump needs to be completely replaced. In his opinion the car needs to be fixed as well as it can be and immediately traded, as he feels it’s going to end up being a money guzzler.  As a result, my stepsister has been bumming rides to work with her friend in the mornings, and I have been picking her up in the evenings.  Yesterday she messaged me asking could I take her to work this morning at 7:30 AM.  Well, my exams are at 8:00 so I honestly have time to take her to work and still be on time for the exam appointment. Except I like to be at least 35 minutes early since the parking lot fills up and traffic gets congested since a middle school is right down the road from the college. Guess what this girl did? *hangs head in shame* I lied and told her I had to be at school by 7:25 AM. She readily accepted my excuse and said she would try to find another ride. The reality is I could have easily said yes and dropped her off, but I was being selfish and going according to my personal comforts. I wanted to be at the school by 7:25 but I didn’t need to be. I wanted to be super early so I could sit in the car and cram, but I didn’t need to be.  So I told a useless, selfish lie.

Immediately after telling the lie I was convicted. I knew the Holy Spirit was jabbing me in the heart going, “You could have taken her to work. You’d want someone to give you a ride if you needed one!” And that’s true. If I were ever in a situation where I needed a ride to campus or somewhere and my car was on the putz, I’d want someone to be there to help me out. Yes yes, I know. THE SHAME!!!  While dropping her off at her apartment following her night class (I did let her use my car to go to school so don’t judge me too harshly) she told me that the friend who had been taking her lived across town and would probably have her an hour late today. And the Holy Spirit started jabbing me even harder. I think he upgraded from jabbing to stabbing at this point. Gawd, I was getting shanked by Jesus. “Tell her you’ll take her. TELL HER YOU’LL TAKE HER!” And yet I maintained my resistance, thinking to myself that I was justified to stick to my schedule without her interruptions.  But once I pulled into the driveway back home I knew I couldn’t keep up my selfish charade. I sent her a text letting her know that I could take her to work. I didn’t tell her I lied because….well….I don’t have a legitimate reason but you would have done it too!!! She messaged me back letting me know her coworker was going to pick her up and thanked me anyway. I sent a reply letting her know that if the ride didn’t work out to just hit me up. And that was the end of that conversation.

Later that night I asked the Lord to forgive me for lying and being self-serving.  Even though I knew he forgave me I still was disappointed in myself for not being a blessing to someone. Which is ironic because every morning when I say my prayer I ask God to let me be a blessing to someone. And when he gave me the chance I blew it. *shaking my head* The guilt ate me alive all night. I mean, ALL NIGHT. I got up to use the restroom at 2:00 AM and the guilt greeted me in the bathroom, along with the realization that there was no toilet paper on the roll.  WHY MUST YOU PUNISH ME, JESUS! I tried to soothe my remorse by reminding myself that while I didn’t admit to my lie, I did extend the invitation for a ride.  But it didn’t work. The whole situation didn’t sit well with me at all.

Well this morning, I get a message asking me to pick her up so that she could use our shower at the house since the one in her apartment always clogs.  Five minutes after I told her I could, I get another message telling me that her coworker’s tire went flat and she wouldn’t be able to pick her up. And that was funny….even though it wasn’t funny. Immediately I realized that God was giving me another chance to be the blessing I blew the chance of being yesterday.  I’m not going to say he put the poor girl’s tire on flat because if you have never been to Jackson….well, let me tell you. The roads down here are terrible. Pot holes everywhere you turn. I wouldn’t drive a brand new car down here if ever I got one. But he used the present circumstances to extend the invitation of redemption. Like, “Okay, you said you’re sorry and I forgave you. But now I’m giving you another chance to do the right thing.”  So I took her to work and guess what? My usual parking space at school was still empty (even though I missed my parking lot buddy this morning. I have no idea who he is but every morning he parks on the opposite side of me bumping Gucci Mane) and the school traffic completely cleared out. Of course, I did have to ride through some congested traffic on the interstate but it was hardly a hindrance to me being on time for my exam. And I also got there at 7:50, ten minutes before I actually needed to be.

So I was grateful that God allowed me to correct my mistake since many times we are unable to go back to fix a flub of ours. Am I going to tell her I lied? OF COURSE NOT! So she can kill me?!?! Well she probably wouldn’t kill me; she would have done that when I backed her car into a brick post two years ago. But instead of murdering me in the yard, she pitied me. Most likely because by then she already started hating the car.  Now she likely would curse me out or strangle me. But I’d live. And I’m still gonna live….with that lie cleverly hidden on this blog where she’ll never ever ever ever see it. That’s right, I’m taking it to the grave guys. Sue me! (please don’t. I’m a college student…..)

 

In Which I was Encouraged

I’ve been staring at my title trying to reconcile with the fact that “encouraged” is spelled correctly because I’m having one of those moments where words don’t look correct…Moving on….

Those who are currently in school, or know people in school, are aware that this time of the semester is riddled with mid-terms. You smell that? *inhales deeply* that’s the smell of coffee, stress sweat, and tears.  Other than finals week, this is the most stress inducing period of school. So far I have taken three exams and have two left before my trial finally comes to an end.  Now I’ll spill on my grades because it relates to what I’ll say later.  I took my Spanish Exam first, about two weeks ago.  I only missed one question on the exam, but I would have actually made a perfect score if the exam allowed us to go back to previous questions and change the answers (it was a computerized test). Unfortunately our teacher’s requirements did not permit this *side eye* Thus I missed a question even though I literally realized my mistake on the following question.  BUMMER. Such is life. Yesterday I took my Algebra exam and surprisingly came out with a 98. You’re talking about somebody being excited????  After borderline failing AP Calculus senior year of high-school ( I had a D every semester…except the semester I had an F) my confidence in my math skills shattered so this was definitely the boost my deflated ego needed. This morning I had my exam in Marriage and Family, which has proven to be my hardest class second to Algebra. The class is interesting and I honestly love the materials we study; at the same time, it’s reading heavy so it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. I’ve been managing to maintain an A in the class, but today….today I made a B on my exam. Now you may say, “Amber that’s still passing. Why are you whining?” BECAUSE I CAN! No but really, I don’t like to make below A’s in class because for one, I’m a full time student and have ample time to study. Therefore I should be able to study efficiently and diligently enough to make an A on an exam. Secondly, I’ve sucked at a lot of things in life. Basketball? Sucked. Dodge-ball? Sucked. Popularity? Sucked. But I’ve always done well in school. As a result, much of my identity is tied to my academic performance. Don’t be like that….it’s a slippery slope, my friend. Due to this my confidence took a hit when I didn’t perform as well on the test as I believed I should have. I know, I know. It’s such a shallow complaint.  But regardless of the shallow depths of my complaint, I was still upset with my grade. I’ve been messaging my aunt, since she was the relative most adamant about me returning to school, giving her updates on my grades.  I texted her today to let her know that I made a B on the exam, thinking she may say something about me needing to study more or something along the lines of what I would say to myself.  After an hour, she messaged me back saying she felt like cheering and telling me to keep up the good work. And that almost made me cry. Almost….I tend to be a bigger crybaby when I’ve consumed coffee which is unfortunate since I love me some coffee! But her message was truly touching because it’s the encouragement I needed in that moment.

There were a number of reasons that my aunt’s text encouraged me.  For one, it was nice to be reassured that my “under performance” was not as big a deal as I thought it was. And secondly it reminded me of my relationship with God. I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned it before but I watch Steven Furtick’s sermons online each week. I started this tradition last year because while I worked at the hotel I never had Sunday’s off so I couldn’t attend church. Even though I’ve quit the hotel (because I’m obviously a quitter) I still watch each week because I genuinely enjoy his teachings. At some point this week I heard either him or the campus minsters at the church speak about how even when you feel like you didn’t live up to your potential or you feel like you slipped, God is still cheering you on. Don’t ask me which sermon. My brain is brimming with facts about cohabitation, distance formulas, and libertarianism so I can’t remember. But to me, my aunt’s message was God reminding me that God still sees the best in me.

This reminder is not only in regards to my grades but in my life in general. I’m hard on myself about everything I do. If I mess up I don’t handle it like, “Ah, well it happens. Get em next time, tiger!” It’s like, “What is life? Why am I failure? Why is crustless bread higher than regular bread? Woe is me!” I hang on to failure like I’m breastfeeding it, nurturing it, raising it.  I have a hard time letting things go. Most times I have to take a deep breath and chant, “It’s not that deep. It’s not that deep. Yea but I coul-IT’S NOT THAT DEEP!”  Thus when I fall short I’m thinking God is responding the same way that I would. We get this thought in our minds that God is shaking his head at us and questioning how he could have created such a flawed creature. When really he’s waiting to pick us up, dust us off, smile on us, and tell us keep going. And he never stops rooting for us.  A couple of weeks ago Pastor Furtick had a guest pastor speak and at the end of the sermon the pastor admitted to losing his job because of his alcoholism. As a preacher you have to imagine that was hard on him. It would feel shameful and embarrassing because you’re supposed to lead your congregation, but you’re struggling with an addiction which has now become public.  He ended up going to rehab and the weight of his condemnation burdened him to the point where the ONLY thing he enjoyed was walking and watching the sunset.  It was during one of these walks that he said God spoke to him, telling him, “I’m not done with you yet.” And that’s such an uplifting message because when you’ve fallen, whether intentionally or unintentionally, if you allow God to work towards your renewal and restoration he will. But that’s if you allow him to. So I’m trying to learn to take my disappointments to God in prayer and say, “God I know I didn’t do the best I could have or should have done. But I can’t hang on to this any longer. I’ve allowed myself to cry about it, but now it’s time to get back on the move. You’ve still got good plans for me and still see the best in me so I know that this isn’t the end.” As Pastor Furtick said, “God is the God of our dead ends.”

Now I do plan to change up my study habits and try to study harder, but at the same time I know that this slip up is minor in the bigger scheme of things. Of course, someone may be saying, “well I did something really bad! I mean…REALLY BAD,” which may be the case.  But God always allows for correction and always extends forgiveness.  One of the campus ministers from Elevation Church said in his devotional yesterday that forgiveness is a gift. It’s not just a dreadful shot to help you get well. We shouldn’t look at forgiveness as burdensome because needing it means we screwed up. But we should instead look at it like, “Wow, God loves me this much that he’s giving me forgiveness. He’s giving me the opportunity to start over again.” I know this may seem contradictory to what I said a couple of posts ago when I spoke about the infamous pastor accused of sexual assault by a few young men. But there is an important difference that must be noted. While sin is equal in God’s eyes, no sin is greater than the other, it is not in society’s eyes. So we take certain blunders more seriously, such as rape, murder, assault, etc. It is also vital to make sure people are aware that these things do not go unnoticed nor should they be tolerated because they harm others. Was I harsh in the way I said it? Yes. I tend to have the terrible habit of typing a post in the height of my emotional distress and thus being very abrasive. I later considered the fact that I could have maintained a strong stance but with a more gentle approach. Yea yea, I’m working on it.  At the same time, I stand by what I said about those issues being prevalent and needing to be addressed. But we have this habit, in general, of equating the world’s punishment with God’s forgiveness. Truly, if you commit a crime you will suffer some sort of punishment because we are not immune from the laws of this world. But if you have committed a crime or done something that would be deemed serious and you wholeheartedly ask for God’s forgiveness he will give it. This may not block repercussions, but it does make you right with him which is ultimately the most important thing. I know that’s difficult for those who have suffered to hear because I, like many people, have a hard time with forgiveness when I know I’ve been wronged. So I know those who have been wronged are justifiably upset. But it is still the truth of the matter that forgiveness is always available.

So I’m going to go ahead and wrap this post up. I’ve got to finish my philosophy for the week because I sense that this man’s exam is going to be tough.  Hopefully I helped encourage someone today. If not then just forgive me for crying about my grades; I am, after all, a sensitive little muffin.

In Which you “Realize Things”

No, I’m not a Kylie Jenner supporter, but let me not get started on what could possibly be such a bitter subject. *clears throat* Someone somewhere in this vast universe said that the way that we love others is often an extension of the way that we love ourselves. I’m sure I didn’t say it.  It’s like when I thought I invented the word snazzy or came up with the phrase, “give a fool a shovel and he’ll dig his own grave.” Moral of that story is that I think I’m a genius and then the internet says, “Girl….you thought….”  You can substitute the word love with treat, forgive, etc.  Now this isn’t true for everyone. We all know those couple of people who expect something of other people that they don’t expect of themselves. I’ll get into that later.  My point is that I realized that I am one of the former.

Let me tell you, I am hard on myself. That’s been repeated on this blog probably a million times, but hey….let me repeat things. If I make a mistake or even just act irrationally then I’m very unforgiving of myself.  I’ll carry the guilt around with me until now. And now. Aaaaaaand….now.  That’s like the time I told my close friend China that she looked like Michael Jackson (in my defense she did because she had on black skinny jeans with a white button down topped off with the pants being cuffed and her having on black loafers. I was justified. And Michael is her idol). But I said it loud where people could hear it and I thought that I embarrassed her. And I still remember it nine years later. It’s not just the fact that I haven’t forgiven/forgotten my slip of the tongue. Since I haven’t done so I feel that she hasn’t either. And the girl couldn’t even remember that she left her car running for a whole hour of school. I also carry the same feeling when other people slip up. I’ll be hard on them because I feel like I would be equally hard on myself.

So a situation occurred this weekend, and it’s not my business to indulge the full details thus I can’t reveal very much.  This is all I can say: I saw a married couple get into an argument. In the height of his anger the husband told the wife to get out, and she did (like her name isn’t on the deed too). The wife went to stay with her parents until the husband grew to regret the situation and asked her to return. I’m not married so it’s only so much I can judge in the situation. I’m not going to say what I would have done since that commentary is unnecessary and unfounded. Can I honestly say I wouldn’t tell my spouse to get out? No. Can I say that I wouldn’t leave? No. Because it’s easy to say what you will and won’t do when you’re not faced with that dilemma personally. NOW I will say that the whole thing blew me like a breeze, and I could think nothing nice about husband or wife. NOTHING. If their last names and first names were Nice I still couldn’t do it. Bluntly put I thought they were both pitiful because they were both acting pitifully.  And the pitifultality (that’s right. I made that word up. FOR REAL THIS TIME) made me so unnecessarily mad.  It was unnecessary. I shan’t deny.  And I kept asking myself, because I was trying to just put the whole situation out of my mind, would I be this judgmental if I were in the situation? And the answer is yes. Yes I would.  I would be unfair to them and to myself.  And it got me thinking, maybe the reason I didn’t extend compassion to them is because I wouldn’t extend it to me. And that’s just really sad.

Many times we are too hard on ourselves. As humans we will make mistakes. We will fail. We will hurt people. It’s inevitable. If you don’t do any of those things then you must live on the mountain side with Big Foot. But when these things do happen, you have to take a deep breath and forgive yourself. We already have to survive in a world that can be hard on us for no good reason other than our gender, face, religion, job, etc. Some people will be hard on you because you’re the cashier at McDonalds and the ice cream machine is down. Like you learned to repair ice cream machines in your garage in your spare time and you should go back there and fix it. They think it’s okay to curse at you and threaten you or jeopardize your job because they are upset. It’s not just, but that’s how the world works.  So you while you have to be realistic about whatever it is you have going on, you also need to be kind to yourself. It will be extremely difficult to extend forgiveness and mercy towards any one in this whole wide world if you won’t even extend it to yourself.  If you’re used to beating yourself up it’s going to be hard to begin this practice.  I’m still learning to just go, “well, you fucked that up kiddo. Take that loss and keep it moving.” Sometimes I’ll have moments where it’ll just flash up in my mind like those memes where Squidward’s eyes suddenly pop open when he remembers something he did. Let me give an embarrassing example (judge me accordingly).  I spent the night with a guy friend (scandalous. not really. Y’all know I’m too insecure for scandalous behavior). I have a terrible sleep pattern and will wake up sporadically at night, especially if I’m nervous (and I was because I liked this particular friend).  Well I woke up at whatever time and I couldn’t go back to sleep. And it didn’t help that I had consumed dairy that day, if you get a young playa’s drift. Well the essence of the dairy worked its way from my internal organs to the outside world in a not so quiet manner. Hey, I’m human. I’m also not supposed to consume dairy according to my doctor but cheese is life. Anyway, the memory of this little ordeal will literally pop into my head at any given moment for no particular reason and give me heartburn. You’re bound to recall embarrassing or rough moments. Which isn’t uncommon. I’m sure it happens to billions of people as well.  But it’s a rough world out there, kids. You gotta be your own sanctuary.

As I said earlier you’ll have the hypocrites who can always point out someone else’s flaws without acknowledging that they have the same ones.  I have some family members who I would put on blast because they’ll never see this post *Kanye shrugs* but I won’t do that. But these family members talk about each other like they are complete strangers. And I find it so amusing, shamefully amusing, that the things they talk about each other for are things that they do/say as well.  One will say the other is too frivolous with money while that person’s credit score is trash.  One will call the other a “lady of the evening” and forget that they are sexually active as well.  I often wonder wouldn’t it be best to just not say anything.  Somewhere in the bible it says that the measurement of judgement you use against others is the same one that will be used against you.  When you open your mouth to judge someone you invite others to judge you on the exact same level. Especially if you make the exact same mistake.  It seems like it would be better to save yourself from that pain. If it does not directly affect you or concern your well-being then just let it go.  Why does it matter that Susie slept with Joe unless you are Mrs. Joe? What does it matter that Carl is on drugs unless you plan to help him seek recovery from his addiction?  These sort of people like other people’s misery or dirty laundry because it makes them feel better about theirs.  Don’t be like that. Along with being kind to yourself, be kind to others. It’s free. It can be painful, excruciatingly painful, but it will ultimately work in your favor.

Still, there will come a time where you have to put your foot down, whether it be on the ground or on someone’s neck but that day is destined to happen. If it comes don’t feel bad about having to do that either.  Meek and weak are not synonymous. You have to protect yourself. Don’t let people run over you because you want to be nice. You can’t be nice all the time. Well, you can, but it can be detrimental.  You don’t have to be kind to an abuser. Don’t feel like you have to spare them any trouble by sticking around or not going to the authorities.  You don’t have to be a stepping stool for everyone.  If someone is taking advantage of you then it’s perfectly fine to cut them loose.  Again, kindness starts with you.  You’re not doing these things to be hurt the other person, but more so out of thoughtfulness to yourself. Remember, you have to live the rest of your life as you. So you are your main priority. I know that sounds anti-Jesus because Christianity teaches us to put others before ourselves. But it’s not.  If you >over extend< yourself on behalf of others then you jeopardize yourself which is not God’s plan. If you’re exhausted, hurt (physically, mentally, or emotionally), and feel like you can’t see the light of day then you need to make some changes. Don’t think that’s God’s will. That’s not apart of the plan. Trials will cross your path and it can get downright uncomfortable, but there is a line between a trial and self-destruction. Know that line and don’t cross it.

I feel a bit better after I’ve made this post. I’d been carrying the frustration around all day. I didn’t even want anyone to talk to me about the situation with the married couple because it made me mad.  It’s not the easiest to admit that I was being judgmental and harsh because it makes me look bad, but I look worse in person so yea. Plus condemnation will eat you alive.  So it’s a relief to get it off my chest. With that being said, I am off to read more of Atlas Shrugged.

 

By This Will They Know…

I haven’t done a post in a while which had not been greatly bothering me until my friend started greatly bothering me about my lack of writing. Thus, I’s here. There is so much going on in the world right now that there is much to write about, but in order to keep my calm I’m just going to keep it…tame. The hardest thing about dealing with the recent events (police brutality, black people killed, that heathen chile who received 6 months for rape) is to continue to walk in love with people.  Now, I’m not sure if someone has said this before but it is excruciatingly difficult to be a black christian and a female christian these days. We are often given the option of being black OR christian and the like with being female.  Well I hate to break it to you out there, wherever and whoever you are, but it’s okay to be both. There is no “or;” just an “and.”  But let me revert back to my subject.  As I am a Christian I acknowledge that Jesus did not leave us a thousand and two instructions and laws before he transcended. But the most important one he left was that we love one another. And by God was he dropping a two ton task on us when he said that. It is so so so so so so…so so so so hard to walk in love with people who have not only stepped on your toes, but stomped on them.  They’re the people who eat your $20 dinner plate and buy you a mcdouble in return. The people who change the channel even after you confirm that you are indeed still watching that.  I’m not going to act like this is hard for everyone because there are plenty of Christians who will say, “aw Pete, I still love ya!” and mean it while their clothes are smoking from the fire that Pete set to their home.  I can only say that I am struggling with walking in love.

I think my last post was about forgiveness and how you aren’t entitled to someone’s forgiveness. Well, that fact is still true. No one has to forgive you for anything. BUT I admit that I was coming from a place of bitterness and resentment when I wrote it.  Somewhere in that post I mention that my grandmother, who has always been a bit…..difficult, now has dementia. When the dementia first developed she would lash out at everyone, but I particularly took offense when she lashed out at my mother.  I don’t care much for defending myself, but my mother is my heart so I carried that grudge with me up until..hmmmm say….two words ago…But after that my cousin and sister moved in with her so that she would not be alone and she treated them with a savage deal of disrespect. As a result they moved out and of course she doesn’t remember them ever living with her.  When someone mentions, “well Granny, you did have some folks living with you before,” then she goes, “well why did they move out?” And you’ve got to tell her, “well you lied about them, locked them out, and mistreated them.” Since she doesn’t remember she’ll respond, “I don’t even remember, but I am sorry.” And to be honest it just burns me up. I’m man/woman enough to admit that it just grates my cheese. Because with all of the hatred and venom she spewed she remembers nothing and can’t even sincerely apologize for it (which isn’t her fault because if she has no knowledge that she did it, then she can’t really apologize). And now that I’m living with her to assist my aunt in her care, every little thing she does irks me to pieces. For one, I’m a very space needy person. I crave space. I’m sure I’ve posted about that before. On the other hand my granny is a companionship needy person. She has to have companionship. So if I go outside to wash my care for some…cleanliness therapy (trust me, washing cars is great for the soul) then she’ll follow behind me.  If I move to a certain room to read or watch netflix she’ll follow behind me. She doesn’t really allow anyone to have quiet and solitude.  I can be reading a book quite blatantly and she’ll try striking up a conversation. To which I just read the book even more blatantly. We have clashing personalities. All in all I’m having a rough time walking in love with her due to this as well as the past offense.

Kenneth Hagin has a book about love that…I can’t remember the title of, but anywho, I am currently reading it.  And it is eating me alive because I know what God has asked of me. I know what he has required of me. And I am struggling to do so. I know it’s not impossible because many people walk in love, forgive, forget, and go forth and prosper. But I am not one of those people right now.  I find myself fighting the urge to use sarcasm, to be rude/hurtful, or to simply pack my bags and go. I know its not very honorable to admit that one has a raging little savage on the inside chomping at the bits, but it is honest.  I also admit that I an uncomfortable with my lack of love because out of all the selfish and unruly things I have done God still loves me unconditionally. He only asks that I do the same to those around me. I use only in the way that commercials say, “WOW this TV set is ONLY $1000!!!!” There’s not much “only” about love and forgiveness.

Not only does this reflect in my personal relationships, but it relates to current events as well.  I have to remember that the raging racists on my facebook timeline…well, I still have to love them.  I have to pray for them. I have to forgive their ignorance and hatred even though they don’t feel it’s something that requires forgiveness. Because that’s what God tells me to do. I really want to reach through their computer screens and poke them in the eyes, burn their confederate flags, and throw them into a pile of fire ants. It literally takes every ounce of my being to be calm, and just unfollow them. I try to save my high blood pressure for salty foods and not salty people. Its hard to walk in the God kind of love.  The flesh wants to jump in and have some fine print going on. It’s the old “eye for an eye” itching in my soul. But as we are under a new covenant, then there are some new instructions.  God says love so we must love.  He not only says that but he says that lack of love can hinder our faith and our prayers. So love is VITAL to our growth. I only ask how to walk in the love that I need to walk in? I tell myself to “just do it” but this isn’t Nike. I start just doing it and by hour number 3 I’m just about to throw the skillet through the window.  My heart is in the right place as far as desiring to walk in the love walk, but I’m having a difficult time getting my feet to move in that direction.

Anywho, this was a short post as compared to others. I’m just writing to get my voice back as its been a while since I’ve written anything other than my signature.  I really am asking for advice from my more mature Christians though. How can I move past offense and into love? Especially when dealing with differing personalities, dementia, and so on. That’s all. I’ll probably be writing something else tomorrow, but y’all know I be lying…

The Art of Forgiveness

Sorry, that’s actually a trick title. This post is nothing at all about the secret art of forgiving others. That’s something I’m actually still working on….This post is really about how you’re not entitled to someone else’s forgiveness. Yes yes, a bit of a plot twist.
The reason I’m writing this little diddy is due to a current situation which has been drawn out for a few years. I’ve mentioned somewhere down the line that my grandmother has dementia and due partially to the dementia has practiced some hatefulness towards certain family members. The hateful behavior basically involved her berating and lying on people. It also morphed into a form of selfishness and attention hunger. For instance when my granddad was sickly, he was in and out of the VA (which is a disgrace to veterans, but that’s a different story). Not to be outdone, my grandmother would always remind everyone that she was sick too even though she wouldn’t be physically sick at the time. As far as the berating and lying, as stated, it was only certain family members she did this to. Basically anyone that lived with her following the death of my granddad became victim to her spreading false rumors to church members. Family members that she saw more often were the ones who suffered her yelling and cursing fits. Though I have not been a victim myself, my mother was one and so I hold a small spot of bitterness towards her for her behavior. After her outburst involving my mom I retaliated (I’m a mama’s girl, what can I say) to which she replied, “well you can get out!” And I responded that I would indeed leave and not come back. True to my word it was over a year before I attended any family functions at her house. After some coaxing from my aunt I finally returned for a visit on the July 4th. By then my grandmother had been fully diagnosed with her dementia and on medication, but not before she had burned bridges with multiple grandkids. And only to remember none of her actions.
Now that was a little all over the place but everything has a point. At least that’s what I tell myself when I’m rambling. But the real point is that my grandmother has since apologized for her actions and yet none of us trust her as far as we can throw her. My cousins who lived with her have since moved out and will not return for much more than a 10 minute visit (and this is only if other family members are there). I have moved in but this is primarily due to the fact that my aunt, who is her primary caregiver, has a great deal of favor with me so I’m helping take some burden off of her. Now one can say that my grandmother didn’t know what she was saying or doing due to her condition, which is true to a certain extent. Unfortunately for my grandma, she has a history of saying hurtful and hateful things prior to the onset of her dementia. What it boils down to is that you can apologize, but forgiveness is not guaranteed.
Someone somewhere in the universe said that you don’t apologize for forgiveness; you apologize to express regret. Who said that? That probably wasn’t even exactly what they said…. Ah well. Just know that it sounds genius but I’m not the genius who came up with it. The purpose of apologizing is not so that you can be back in good standing with someone. If that happens as a result then that’s a plus, but it’s not a guarantee. Even if you were going through an extremely stressful time, were drunk, or even “on that powder” as my cousin in law would say. I can recall saying some brutish things when my anxiety/depression were on level 10. I think I treated my freshman roommate/best friend terribly that first year of college. There were times I wouldn’t speak to her for weeks or I would be overly sarcastic. I ended up apologizing to her last year, but without the intention of receiving her forgiveness. It was just to acknowledge that I was a jackass and that she didn’t deserve that treatment. She actually forgave me and proceeded to update me on her life happenings as we have not talked in 4 years. I was surprised that she didn’t curse me out because that’s actually what I expected from the get go. I already recognized that what I was going through was an influence on my behavior but not an excuse so I couldn’t force her to see my point of view. Sidenote: some conditions are a full blown excuse for behavior that can be offensive. There are mental disorders which leave no other option but to act a certain way so this doesn’t apply to everything/everybody.
A comedian once said (that’s right, I don’t know his name either. I tried to Google that one but to no avail. It may not have even been a comedian….this is what happens when you find stuff on Tumblr. A for effort though….) you can’t dictate the way someone feels about what you’ve done to them. Gah, I probably messed that quote of big time but that was the meaning of it. It’s best not tosay, “hey, stop being mad at me cause even though I made you feel like shit, I too felt like shit….” You want to know who wants to hear that shit? Nobody. Nobody Jones wants to hear that shit. If anything, that’ll just make you get punched in the face faster. So I’m saving you some trouble. There also is no time limit. No telling anyone, “that happened 8 months ago. Why you still mad?” Nope. If you’re the offender you can’t do that. You’re not trying to promote healthy healing in a person. You’re just trying to get off the hook. It doesn’t work like that. This isn’t how any of that works! Give people their space and time to heal/forgive. That’d be best route to take. And even after all the space and time and candy and flowers it isn’t guaranteed that forgiveness includes friendship. You can earnestly be forgiven and still lose a friendship. There’s no fine print that says someone has to be your buddy again after they have forgiven you. They may not hate your guts, but they also aren’t coming to your birthday party. They’ll probably come to your funeral though and that’s what really counts. No, I’m just kidding….but really…..you know how that is. I don’t know if anyone other than black people from Mississippi do that but uhhhhh, black people from Mississippi do that….
So that’s just that. I usually have a long unnecessary ending but I’ve been slacking so I’m going to excuse myself this time….